Pain That Changed Me Forever
- By - Nathlyn Moss
One single moment can change your life forever. One event can make you rethink and question everything about your life. Such an event happened to me on March 1st 1996. On this day I changed; the way I express myself and interact with others has never been the same.
Throughout our lives there are some things that are beyond our understanding and I believe that losing someone you deeply love and care about is one of those things.
I was twelve years old when my Nickie left me. I remember how much I loved her and how much I looked up to her as my big sister. I was not ready to lose such an important part of my life.
On February 25th, 1996 my sister was admitted to the hospital. She had been battling sickle cell for some time. Both of our parents carried the sickle cell trait and my sister genetically received the full dose of this disease.
On March 1st, 1996 my mother and I went to the hospital to visit Nickie. There was silence and gloom throughout the halls. My child-like view of the hospital was dark, cold and filled with nothing but sadness, that is until I looked up and saw my beautiful sister. She was well dressed and looked ready to go home. I asked her “Nickie, why are you all dressed up” she said “I’m going home”. In confusion, my mother asked the doctor if she was ready to be released but he said no because they still needed to run more tests.
During this time my sister and I were talking. I asked her how she was doing, she said she was fine and that she was ready to go home. My response was, “Nickie why are you still talking about going home, the doctor said that they are still running tests”. She still insisted that she was going home that day.
About two hours later I got bored. I remember feeling hungry and started to beg my mother for us to leave. A few minutes later we left. I was so focused on getting home that I didn’t say good bye to my dear sister. As we entered the parking lot we heard people yelling my mother’s name. “Mrs. Moss, Mrs. Moss” we looked back and saw nurses waving at us. “Come back, it’s your daughter. You have to go back upstairs”, they shouted. We ran up the stairs and back to the ward. The doors opened and I saw a white curtain pulled across my sister’s bed. The nurses held me back but allowed my mother to go through. I remember being afraid even though I didn’t know what was going on. Then my mother screamed and her wails immediately made me cry. I didn’t know exactly what I was crying for but I knew something was terribly wrong. Then finally one of the nurses told me that my sister went on to be with the Lord.
At that moment I blamed myself….it was my fault that she died! All I wanted to do was go home but if I didn’t leave she would still be alive. This was honestly what I believed and how I felt. Throughout my childhood and teenage years I never forgave myself. I prayed constantly for a chance to see my sister one last time, just to tell her how sorry I was and to tell her how much I loved her.
Some time passed and finally I dreamt about her. She was beautiful! She wore a white gown and was standing on a gold stair case while flashing the biggest smile. I cried out to her, “Nickie, I’m so sorry….I love you, please don’t leave me” while walking towards her. She gestured and pointed in the other direction. It seemed like a warning to turn around and not to come to her. I continued walking towards my sister and followed her up the stairs. Suddenly a flash of light struck a pole and sparks flew everywhere. I jumped back, ran away and then I woke up.
To me, God had finally answered my prayers. I finally got to see my sister one last time in this dream. I saw her happy, with no pain and no more sickness. She was finally at peace and with her Heavenly Father. I shared this dream with my mother and we were both happy to receive this spiritual message.
I’m sharing this story for people who may be struggling with the loss of a loved one. This may be one of the hardest times you may face. Grief is brutal and so intense. When it happens we are left paralyzed by the reality of it and total shock, confusion and devastation sets in. People say that time makes it better. They are right to some degree as time makes the pain bearable but it never completely takes it away.
My advice to anyone experiencing or battling with a loss is to embrace the unique way that 'YOU' grieve and allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with your process. Be patient and kind to yourself and don't allow anyone to apply limitations on your feelings or timelines to your grief. It is your battle, your experience and only you know how this great loss affects you. Reaching out for support is also a great idea; all of us need support at some point so please don't be embarrassed about this. More importantly, your Heavenly Father is always there to talk to and He can offer you the peace and comfort that no one else can.
Finally remember those special moments, the big and small ones, with your loved one . Their memory and legacy continuously lives on each time you remember them. Your connection and special bond with them surpasses the limits of time and lives beyond the grave.
It's been some time since I lost my sister and it took many years for me to embrace the steps that I've mentioned but I honor her daily through my courage to let go of pain and with my choice to live a happy and fulfilled life.
To my sister Nicole C. Moss: I love you and your memory will forever live on....I promise!
Your little sister,
About The Author
Nathlyn is a part-time student who is motivated by her love for learning. Becoming a successful professional Business Administrator is currently her main goal.
Nathlyn loves to explore new places and meet new people, she accomplishes this through her love for travel. Reading and enjoying a good meal (foodie) along with spending time with her loved ones are her favorite past times. Writing has recently been added to this list.
Nathlyn considers herself to be a vigorous and determined individual that offers a pleasant calm in every situation. She added, "I encourage others to fight for what they believe in and to go after their dreams. Doing this with God is vital because nothing great comes easy and through Him everything is possible".
If you have further questions for Nathlyn about her journey with grief you can contact her by emailing JoinUs@footprintsjourney.net