I remember not wanting to move out of bed; but I had to push.
I remember my knees buckling and tears streaming in the shower; but I had to push.
I remember smiling and greeting people then going in my car and being overcome by tears; but I had to push.
I remember being out and wanting to go home just to crawl into bed; but I had to push.
This is what a broken heart feels and looks like. You are weak, empty, detached, confused, lost. Every moment feels like it's someone else’s life because this just can't be yours.
I'm divorced and have been for some time now. Love was the last thing on my mind until a kind, gentle soul stepped in and swept me off my feet (or so I thought). This person was not my type at all and initially I was very skeptical. I gave him a good run but when I fell I totally tripped! Those that know me, know that this is a big deal because I don’t do this at all but he was special (or so I thought).
We had a great connection, he stepped hard and was like no other person that I’ve ever met (sweet, gentle spirit). I was all in and I thought he was too, after all he worked so hard to get me even when I fought hard not to be 'gotten'. He was also older so to me this seemed safe.
It was about the sixth month and there were comments like “I haven’t dated anyone this long in about 10 years”. I Didn’t think anything of it because his actions showed that he was all in. The next month more reference of the past kept coming up....but that’s okay right because he’s looking forward and his actions are still lining up (or so I thought).
Then BOOM! He decides this is not what he wants and that he has stuff from the past that he needs to deal with before there is any forward movement. Did he fully leave? No, but he disconnected and put everything on hold so eventually I removed myself which I believe was the outcome that he wanted.
So, here I was deep in the mix of ‘love’ and dude disconnects and changes his mind (what in theeee world!!). But everyone has this choice right? Love is a chance right? I only have control of my actions right?
'Yes' is the answer to all of these questions so the only thing left for me to do was to let go and move on. I own no one and this was his choice therefore I had to accept it. Was I hurt? Yes! Did I feel foolish? Yes! How could I let this happen to me? But it did happen and I just had to move forward.
My plan was to give myself 1 week, for every month that I was romantically connected to this man to get over the situation completely. The first three weeks were the hardest but each day I would remind myself of where I was in the time frame of my plan and promise myself that by that time next week I would feel better.
Another thing I did was get rid of every message immediately. There was no need to think or relive any of the stuff that came with this connection so I got rid of all of it.
Week two, I told myself that by next week I would feel a little better. Week three came and I promised myself that the following week I would no longer need to take breaks and that I just had to get through this current week. It was during this time that I also made myself think of the situation less. When it came up I talked myself through; that inner voice is powerful...use it!.
Week four...ohhhh! I was feeling like myself again and I told myself that I only had a few more weeks to go before I'd be like (*insert name here*) who?!? He would be long forgotten. This is also when things started to get clearer. Hints were there that this man had things from the past to address but love makes us overlook so much. It makes us so foolish!
Somehow I knew that I had to move pass this quickly. I swam through....got cramps on the way, sometimes it felt like I needed to slow down and just tread. There were other times that I felt like I just needed to float but I never stopped and sure enough by week six I was like ** who?!?
By the end of this journey so much was revealed. The words “I will hurt you in the long run” during month five made so much sense now. This man only came to soften me up, to make me believe in love again because God knows (and all of my friends know) that I gave up on it. But this gentle, sweet man, with all of his flaws and his lifestyle of living in the past broke down all my walls and made me feel again. He totally served his purpose and then was removed. He had to do that work because my gift and sometimes curse of loyalty might have kept me there longer.
I’m grateful for this connection and grateful for feeling again. I’m grateful for the lessons and thankful that I now know that I don’t have to cut myself off from love because I’m too afraid to get hurt. I’m strong enough to handle everything that comes with it, so I can and will take the chance because that is what love is, a CHANCE! Either way this man was supposed to approach me and connect with me. He served his purpose and then it was done. But what was left behind was a greater belief in love and a softer, more gentle woman that understands what it takes to love unconditionally. A woman that knows to love the person as they are and how they should be loved and not as she thinks they want to be loved. A woman that is more patient and willing to give support no matter what.
He has made me better and helped me to practice unconditional love because I had to grow to love him.
It is my belief that God always brings 'Better' once the lessons are learned.
Thank you for preparing me for BETTER!
Earlene Camielle